You see them everywhere, beginning to strut their stuff for 2010. I have some tips for my fellow senatorial candidates in 2010. While these might not make them land in the top 12, these might help them land in the top 24 -- thus making them hot candidates for the 2013 elections.
1. Lose weight.
Nothing discombobulates voters more than the sight of candidates with tummies the size of oversized watermelons. Do not blame the voters if they think that their taxes, in the form of pork barrels, will just end up in the deepest cavities of these bellies.
2. Buy thin paper that soaks oil on your face.
Please. Along with a ref-sized body, nothing turns off voters up close than the sight of all that oil leaking from your porcine faces. Oil enough to fry the next morning's cold rice.
3. Talk in Tagalog and keep it short.
Nothing displeases poor voters more than those who talk in English, or Taglish. You are not Kris Aquino. Or Kristeta Bernadette Aquino, when she was our English major student at the Ateneo. And since Kris is running, let her run the range of her Taglish vocabulary. Talk in Tagalog, and talk no longer than 5 minutes.
4. Do not talk of food to the poor.
I was in the LP anniversary at a depressed community last week and was aghast when one woman who will run for senator began talking about food. This, to people who survive on less than one dollar a day. Hija, 90 percent of Filipino voters are poor. They develop split personalities and sharp migraines from watching TV ads with all those Jollibee chickenjoys they could hardly afford.
5. Appear in a sitcom or a film -- not indie, but mainstream.
In the next year or so, you will see us appearing on TV sitcoms, game shows and in mainstream films. I have been offered at this early stage of the pre-election campaign to appear in one TV sitcom and one game show, but I turned them down. I want to see the script, I want to have a say on what I will say. And one director has asked me to appear in a mainstream film, shooting for which might begin this summer.
I will play the role of an English teacher who scares the bejesus out of his students. I told him perfect! I do not have to act at all.